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After three decades together, my wife and I separated a couple of months ago, having fallen into that lonely place.
Battling through all the turmoil of emotions, lifestyle changes and financial considerations I have been managing day to day living okay.
Staying in the day…that is the hard part. I am not a person who likes to sit around. I prefer to move around. I work through most of my most pressing issues by going for a long run. I am thoughtful, but I do not like to obsess. I like to think up all the sides of a problem, decide on the best course of action…and then act…move on in essence.
As I am finding out, this long stretch of holiday season and merriment poses a barrier for anyone trying to work past such difficulties.
Add to that, my birthday was a few days ago.
I thought (thoughtfully) that maybe dinner and a movie would move me on in the right direction.
But, with that prospect not on the horizon, I spent yesterday realizing that only time will move me on in the right direction and no matter how fast I run I cannot outrun the present and into the future.
It took me all day, all night and until this morning to understand that.
I started off, of course, by moving. This time in my car. Driving aimlessly, as if sitting in front of a TV, but yet on the road.
At the end of my drive, I ended up in a dangerous place…a casino. I played poker for about an hour. Luckily for me, numbers unfold pretty rapidly in my head. So even though I was still mostly aimless, I backed away from the table down only ten dollars when I accepted that this is a losing proposition all around.
Clearer in my head, but without any real clarity, I drove home. And at midnight, feeling too tired to think of waking early for my long Sunday morning run I was somehow compelled to search online for something quieter.
I came across yoga. I had never once before stepped inside a yoga studio in my whole life. The website I looked at mentioned slowing down our bodies to find a better place. Thinking that maybe an opposite notion would be worth a try, I set my alarm to make it to the 8am session.
I will say this gently….when I run…I make every noise known to man as I try to grunt and push my way through from pain to gain.
Yoga is not conducive to that method by a long stretch…or lunge…as I have come to know.
For an hour and a half I followed along with an instructor and class and didn’t hear myself even breathe. But I could feel my breath in all parts of my body.
I had slowed down enough for that to happen. Slowed down to feel better, rather than ran to feel better.
Certainly, I will still run…but I will go back for more yoga as well. Perhaps improving my balance.
And though I may still want to leap frog into another year and another place overnight, wiping the slate of loneliness clean, I have another tool to use…slow down today and look forward to tomorrow.
© 2014 Christopher’s Views
