Among the most difficult of all of life’s tasks, is to be in a relationship and yet to feel all alone.
decades together, my wife and I separated a couple of months ago, having fallen
into that lonely place.
through all the turmoil of emotions, lifestyle changes and financial
considerations I have been managing day to day living okay.
the day…that is the hard part. I am not
a person who likes to sit around. I
prefer to move around. I work through
most of my most pressing issues by going for a long run. I am thoughtful, but I do not like to
obsess. I like to think up all the sides
of a problem, decide on the best course of action…and then act…move on in
As I am finding
out, this long stretch of holiday season and merriment poses a barrier for
anyone trying to work past such difficulties.
Add to that,
my birthday was a few days ago.
(thoughtfully) that maybe dinner and a movie would move me on in the right
that prospect not on the horizon, I spent yesterday realizing that only time
will move me on in the right direction and no matter how fast I run I cannot
outrun the present and into the future.
It took me
all day, all night and until this morning to understand that.
off, of course, by moving. This time in
my car. Driving aimlessly, as if sitting
in front of a TV, but yet on the road.
At the end
of my drive, I ended up in a dangerous place…a casino. I played poker for about an hour. Luckily for me, numbers unfold pretty rapidly
in my head. So even though I was still
mostly aimless, I backed away from the table down only ten dollars when I
accepted that this is a losing proposition all around.
my head, but without any real clarity, I drove home. And at midnight, feeling too tired to think
of waking early for my long Sunday morning run I was somehow compelled to
search online for something quieter.
across yoga. I had never once before stepped
inside a yoga studio in my whole life. The
website I looked at mentioned slowing down our bodies to find a better
place. Thinking that maybe an opposite
notion would be worth a try, I set my alarm to make it to the 8am session.
I will say
this gently….when I run…I make every noise known to man as I try to grunt and
push my way through from pain to gain.
Yoga is not
conducive to that method by a long stretch…or lunge…as I have come to
For an hour
and a half I followed along with an instructor and class and didn’t hear myself
even breathe. But I could feel my breath
in all parts of my body.
I had slowed
down enough for that to happen. Slowed
down to feel better, rather than ran to feel better.
will still run…but I will go back for more yoga as well. Perhaps improving my balance.
And though I
may still want to leap frog into another year and another place overnight,
wiping the slate of loneliness clean, I have another tool to use…slow down today
and look forward to tomorrow.